Masks and intentions

You only see what’s on the surface…you don’t know what’s underneath this.
She’s wearing makeup today? Who’s she tying to impress?

Maybe I want to look my best coz I’m depressed.  Maybe my headspace is a mess and Why she wearing that dress?

Maybe I’m feeling run down and old and I’m doing damage control while my mortality takes hold.

Coz I have no time for myself and all my clean clothes are off the shelf,
Maybe I’m tired.

Maybe I’m tired of the torrent of judgement we face with every little thing we do.

I wanna be like you cuz is what you tell me to…

Buy this, buy that you’re too skinny you’re too fat.  No, that ones wrong shoulda done the first one all along.  Wait theres a new trend…and this selfie wont send.

Fuck.

Contradictions.

You can’t win for loosing.

Try and fake it till you make it tell the snakes to eat shit.

Wear that dress for the fun of it,

Be artistic… not fatalistic.

Love yourself whatever that means for you.

Be otherworldly and dye your hair blue if you want to.   Or go all natural and let your leg hair grow.

Fuck what people think, most opinions stink.

Let them talk shit if they wanna reek of it.

Just do you and filter out who’s who…

Love yourself, whatever that means for you.

Coffee reflections…honest connection

So… last night as I mentioned (if you read my short sleep deprived last post)  I published a bunch of posts that had been sitting on my page as drafts.   They were written in October of 2016… and some of them are pretty angry.

I censored myself…  I’m not going to let that happen again… no more stuffing my feelings and thoughts into the abyss going thinking they’ll go away.   No more.   I was angry when I wrote those… but I was also afraid of what people would think…

I’ve decided that keeping quiet out of fear is unhelpful at best and at the worst…I can think of many worst case scenarios.  :/

The last few years of my life have been a rough ride.   They’ve taken everything I thought I knew about life, people and myself and turned it all upside down… Shook me a bunch of times like an old purse with a bunch of shit falling out.

Luckily,  thankfully, things are getting better.  Found some cool stuff in there.  Life is still full of challenges,  that’s life,  but they’re becoming easier to navigate.   I still belive it’s not wise to dwell on negatives, manifest the best and all; however ignoring them has gotten me into so much trouble over the years…

I have to honor that and show up for myself.  No,  fluffy Polly Anna isn’t always appropriate.   Sometimes we need that no-bullshit cantankerous crone energy to protect ourselves and others.  Discernment…  The crone is a wise one she sees, she knows, does what needs to be done.

She’s honest,  brutally so.  While it might be uncomfortable.  I’d rather have honesty that a sugar coated steaming heap of bullshit in a pretty box.

I’ve had some mentaurs who have shown me the value of being real.  They’ve shown me there’s strength in vulnerability,  admitting when you’re fucked up in the head instead of pretending everything’s ok.   Can’t change what you can’t accept…

Alternatively,

It’s also ok to rejoice in your blessings,  your happiness and joy and share that shit.   On the opposite end of the spectrum,  I’ve kept some wonderful beautiful things to myself because of (once again) fear.  Fear I might be deemed unworthy or the object of another person’s jealousy.   Who cares what people think of me?

I’m done hiding.   I’ll start confiding with confidence this path I’m walking,  this journey, these steps are mine.

 

Alchemy

There’s gotta be a way

Take it day by day

Where I’m from

What dreams may come.
Alchemy

Take it day by day

Alchemy

Is the only way
I’m a stoned philosopher

Chatting it up with lucifer.

Or some other demon,

Just my own inner voices screaming.
Duality within me.

The bright light burns and blinds

The shadow freezes and binds.

Such a mixture

I’m afraid of bliss

Coz, it surely leads to something I’ll miss,
There’s a name for it, it’s swell,

Pretty sure we call it hell.

Trying my best to dive on in,

And push through.
Wonder when

The curve ascends

Wonder when

We transcend.

Divine Feminine

Divine feminine

Is back again

There’s gonna be a reckoning

Not the sort

You would recognize

When you’re looking at the world

With hate filled eyes.

The divine feminine

Is back again

This world

Needs healing

Hate isn’t the answer

An eye for an eye

Leaves no room

For the question why.

I see you

I forgive you

I know in our souls

Were the same stuff.

That’s why I say

Enough is enough.

Your hatred

Was created from the pain you sustained

Why should I punish you

With anger and vengeance

When loving is what I really must do,

If we want to mend these

Age old wounds.

Intention 

This is my prayer for you.

This is my prayer for me.
I don’t really care if you’re sorry

That’s not up to me.

I can’t control what you think and do.

And I wouldn’t want to.
The best I can do is send my love to you,

And mention something about divine intervention.

I’ll set the intention.

Love

Love

Love

Kali

 

Playing with my emotions…
Beware they’re like oceans

The under tow is strong

It will drag you down with me

An endless sea

Tread (water) carefully.
You had high expectations

I have my reservations

Your intentions,

you never mention,

It’s only a game if everyone’s playing

There’s some karma to burn

And look who’s paying
Hindsight is 20/20

Unless you’re a ghost

With the most
So much plotting and scheming,

You prey on the dreaming.

Think I was unaware

Of what you were doing there?
Lies are unattractive

And my kali is awake and active.

Love is a double edged sword

When you abuse the word.

Apologies

I could spend hours listing every little detail about our failed relationship, why it was a sinking ship.
I’ve done it before,  funny thing is I usually get about half way through that door shaking with anger,  feeling stupid for staying as long as I did.
You know the story about how you can put a frog in water and it will stay as the temperature slowly climbs and the frog doesn’t realizs the danger until it’s outta time?
I feel like that was a good analogy for you and me.

Except for one thing,

I could feel the heat,

Of your deceit,

And still I’d cling

To the illusion and confusion

call it intuition and I ignored it.

Even though what you were doing,

I abhorred it.
I feel I owe us both an apology.  The warning signs were there from the beginning and I lacked the self confidence to assert my boundaries
I allowed the cycle to continue.   Before we got married,  when you cheated,  there were obviously warning signs that went unheeded.
I made the choice to believe your shaky narrative

And my ignore intuition in its mission.   callously disregarding the message that you had no respect for me.
And when I started to listen to the whispers of my soul,  that place that can reach where lies won’t go,  when I started to synch up with me and get in touch with my divinity…when I allowed myself to see,  to feel,  to understand that my passion and pain was real.   I started to heal. I began to let go, and trust my soul.

Honor

Gonna honor my intention
To live wise

Put my ego in suspension

Shift into the right dimension.

With

good work

good play

good love

and

good vibes.

Gonna honor my body

Gonna honor my integrity

Gonna wake with new eyes to see

The blessings and beauty

Surrounding and permeating

Through you and me.