I ask for honesty, but do I give it away freely, to myself and others as well?
I just went through a certain thought process this morning that has me pondering this question.
You see, when I woke up today, I wasn’t in the greatest mood. Groggy, I literally spent the whole day and much of the night before working on a project, I put a lot of time and effort into it and was really looking forward to getting some feedback on it. I wanted to know that everything was OK and acceptable and that I did a good job on it, that it was what they were looking for.
When I finally submitted my project, it was almost two in the morning and I’d been working on it non-stop since I woke up. I was a bit disappointed when I found out no one would be looking at it until the next day. Then again, it was nearly 2 in the morning, so that wasn’t very surprising. I didn’t hold it against them.
What got me bummed out was waking up today to find I still hadn’t received a response. I’m normally pretty nocturnal, so for me morning means like 10 or 11. (At the earliest)
So, I look at the clock and I still haven’t received any feedback and this got my mind turning in an unfortunate direction. It started crafting this story about how much I suck and they probably hate it and don’t know how to tell me.
Then it became, “Why won’t they tell me???”
“”They must not like it? What’s wrong with it? Is it really that bad?!?
“Am I that hard to talk to?” “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrch!!”
I started to feel like Tweak from Southpark; stressed out and my eye was twitching…
My mind was spiraling into an abyss of self loathing and pity and all this muckety, muck nasty stuff.
Then I remembered something.
This is a just story I’m creating, that’s it. I can re-write it.
I decided there’s probably a much better way to tell this story and it doesn’t have to involve me spiraling to an abyss of self-hatred and fear, curled up in the fetal position on the floor. (I made that last part up for funnies. Ha ha. ) 😛
I decided to write “my story” in another way.
When I woke up it was 11AM, there’s a 2 hour time difference for us, they might not even be awake!
I know they are really, really freaking busy right now and they work very long hours to get all this stuff done.
Not only do they have me bugging them, but a whole bunch of other people too.
I’m sure there are other projects which are much more urgent and require their attention. So, they simply may not have had a chance to look at mine, because they are busy with other things.
Let’s say hypothetically that my original “assumptions” were correct and they really don’t like what I’ve written. If that’s the case I’ll find out eventually and then I’ll have the opportunity to ask why that is and learn from the experience.
It wouldn’t mean the world is going to come crashing down around me and I suck so hard my head is going to implode; it just means I have more room to grow.
This is where I want to bring it back around to the original question at the beginning of this post, which was, “I ask for honesty, but do I give it away freely, to myself and others as well?”
This question was inspired when I was writing a (somewhat negative) blog post inspired by my feelings this morning. It was about honesty and telling people if you have an issue with them, instead of sugar coating things.
As I read it over I realized two things.
1)That blog was coming from a very negative space. That’s when I realized I needed to calm down and re-write the story.
2)That I was being a total fucking hypocrite. I wasn’t being honest, either with them, or with myself. I didn’t even realize it at first, but it all became quite clear to me as I started to ponder the idea.
I never told them that I really, really wanted someone to look at it. I didn’t tell them that I have this subconscious self-worth thing that makes me kinda freak out when I’m waiting to hear back on stuff I’ve been working on. I didn’t really give them details on the massive amount of time I had put into it. I didn’t say any of these things because I didn’t want them to think I was one of those needy people who has to have validation from others to feel worth while.
And then it hit me that I was deceiving myself too.
Maybe I am *a little bit* needy. 😛
Perhaps I do require some validation from other people, feedback so I know what’s expected of me.
I think in healthy doses seeking validation can be a good thing. It can inspire people to give their very best, it can be a great motivator for achieving big things. It can enhance communication.
When does the need for validation cross over into unhealthy territory and how can we prevent that?
I get needy sometimes because I don’t always trust myself like I should Sometimes this causes me to create crazy scenarios and stories in my head like the ones I told you a little bit ago. The only thing it really gets done is making me all stressed out and eye twitchy.
Re-writing the story helps me recognize that is happening, it helps to keep my mind from spiraling into self defeating thought patterns by “providing different plot lines” I can focus on. This saves me from stress and the old, “Arrgh!!! Too much pressure!”.
The whole experience has given me some extra food for thought, and I figured I’d share it with you.
P.S. I was finishing up this post when I finally got some feedback on my project; we need to make a couple little tweaks but otherwise, they love it! It’s all about the story. 😀