Coffee reflections…honest connection

So… last night as I mentioned (if you read my short sleep deprived last post)  I published a bunch of posts that had been sitting on my page as drafts.   They were written in October of 2016… and some of them are pretty angry.

I censored myself…  I’m not going to let that happen again… no more stuffing my feelings and thoughts into the abyss going thinking they’ll go away.   No more.   I was angry when I wrote those… but I was also afraid of what people would think…

I’ve decided that keeping quiet out of fear is unhelpful at best and at the worst…I can think of many worst case scenarios.  :/

The last few years of my life have been a rough ride.   They’ve taken everything I thought I knew about life, people and myself and turned it all upside down… Shook me a bunch of times like an old purse with a bunch of shit falling out.

Luckily,  thankfully, things are getting better.  Found some cool stuff in there.  Life is still full of challenges,  that’s life,  but they’re becoming easier to navigate.   I still belive it’s not wise to dwell on negatives, manifest the best and all; however ignoring them has gotten me into so much trouble over the years…

I have to honor that and show up for myself.  No,  fluffy Polly Anna isn’t always appropriate.   Sometimes we need that no-bullshit cantankerous crone energy to protect ourselves and others.  Discernment…  The crone is a wise one she sees, she knows, does what needs to be done.

She’s honest,  brutally so.  While it might be uncomfortable.  I’d rather have honesty that a sugar coated steaming heap of bullshit in a pretty box.

I’ve had some mentaurs who have shown me the value of being real.  They’ve shown me there’s strength in vulnerability,  admitting when you’re fucked up in the head instead of pretending everything’s ok.   Can’t change what you can’t accept…


It’s also ok to rejoice in your blessings,  your happiness and joy and share that shit.   On the opposite end of the spectrum,  I’ve kept some wonderful beautiful things to myself because of (once again) fear.  Fear I might be deemed unworthy or the object of another person’s jealousy.   Who cares what people think of me?

I’m done hiding.   I’ll start confiding with confidence this path I’m walking,  this journey, these steps are mine.


The Path of the Fool

In the tarot, the fool is portrayed as a young man, nonchalantly walking off the edge of a cliff.  He’s stepping off blissfully ignorant of the horrible peril that awaits him. To most people this image would indeed seem foolish and full of folly, the fool would at best serve as an example of what not to do!

But what if there was something more behind the smile on the fools seemingly ignorant face, what if the fool actually holds sacred knowledge and wisdom?  In my opinion, that smile is both joyful and knowing.

We can keep this archetype in mind when we think of the many worlds theory in quantum mechanics, where all the different possibilities are sort of stacked upon each other, happening simultaneously, it reverses the severity of the impact of knowing that endless possibilities exist at the bottom of the cliff.

In this great video below we can see the many worlds theory demonstrated with Mario world.  The player edited hundreds of attempts together to form a long continuous stream of play and we can see all the different possibilities that spin off as Mario makes his way through the game.

In some of those realities, we might  Mario jump spin off a cliff and from the perspective of the character it’s over. Boom,

Boom, splat and  Yoshi is looking at mario like he’s an idiot.  What a fool!   Sometimes Yoshi will even run away and ironically end up running off a cliff himself.   Makes you wonder about the subtle differences between running and jumping but that’s another article!

So from the perspective of that particular “character in time”, the game is over.  However, from the perspective of the player we just continue from where we left off on the map or we respawn at our last save point and it’s no big deal, just a fun way to pass the time and we still get experience.

If we’re looking at this journey from another “angel” 😉  we can use sacred geometry to describe the movements and motivation of the fool and the structure of the game itself.   The fool knows something we don’t.  While most of us are wrapped up in duality and fighting the bad and grasping for the good, I think the fool is looking at something else entirely.  He’s looking at the movement between these two opposing forces.

Flower-of-Life-61circlesThis is the flower of life, this geometry is said to illustrate the basic structure of reality and it contains within it’s structure infinite amounts of information.

It is an incredibly interesting pattern, containing the five plutonic solids, it is a fractal, each six-pointed star in the pattern can be replicated to infinity in both directions.   It is also represented as a hologram when you change one iteration the whole will reflect that change.

Each star or iteration in the fractal can be seen as a finite boundary that contains infinite information (possibilities).  How that information moves through the fractal determines the experience.  The shape itself is polarized reflecting both contraction and expansion.

While our direct physical experience or perspective is limited to a single point in this infinite structure, we do have the ability to experience infinity with the structure itself (ourselves).

While we can’t experience it in a logical way, we have the knowledge that this pattern can exist past our own individual boundaries.   Duality is just a dance between expansion and contraction, and we can experience infinity by going inward.  This is a blessing when we are facing hard times and having difficulty seeing what direction we need to take or if we are trying to find comfort.

Our connection to source, god, spirit, infinity whatever you want to call it  is found in that infinity, modern science is closer to explaining what the ancients always knew, the fundamental structure of reality is dependent upon the void.

The Yin Yang, beginning and the end, dark and light, all contrast rolled into one space.   It the place that exists past time where the laws of physics break down and everything is possible.  It is the place of love.

Only our science now calls it the quantum vacuum.  In Eastern mysticism, the void is everything and nothing all at once, showing us that the dualistic reality we experience is relative in nature.

Take away one piece and the whole thing changes.  Modern science shows us the truth in this philosophy when we observe particles springing into and out of existence in a vacuum and when we measure the energy potential of the vacuum to discover that it is infinite!   How can something that is a vacuum have infinite energy…unless the vacuum is created by the lack of contrast and duality.

Read the book The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra for a very well presented argument on how modern science and eastern mysticism mirror each other in a profound and eerie way.  For more information on sacred geometry and the structure of the vacuum check out Nassim Haramein’s brilliant documentary “Black Whole

The fools ignorant/knowing smile might be inspired by the knowledge that all his options are happening all at once, all he has to do is resonate with the right one.

The fool is ultimately an archetype of faith and gratitude,  honoring the bigger picture and making us question our perspective,  assumptions and judgements.

The need for love.

I found this quote today in a book I was reading, “The Wisdom of the Native Americans”, it rings of truth and beauty I had to share it.

“My friends, how desperately do we need to be loved and to love.  When Christ said that man does not live by bread alone, he spoke of a hunger.  This hunger was not the hunger of the body.  It was not the hunger for bread.  He spoke of a hunger that begins deep down inthe very depths of our being.  He spoke of a need as vital as breath.  He spoke of our hunger for love.

Love is something you and I just have.  We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it.  We must have it because without it we become weak and faint.  Without love our self-esteem weakens.  Without it our courage fails.  Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the world.  We turn inward and begin to feed upon our own personalities, and little by little we destroy ourselves.

With it we are creative.  With it we march tirelessly.  With it, and with it alone, we are able to sacrifice for others.”

-Chief Dan George

The Wonders of Golden Milk

20150202_204612 (1)Howdy!  Today I want to share a recipe I’ve been using to relieve pain (and more) with great success.  It’s called golden milk, and its main wonder ingredient is Turmeric, which has been used for thousands of years in Ayurvedic medicine.

The “active ingredient” in Turmeric is called curcumin.  Studies are showing that there are at least 600 potential health benefits of turmeric but, it is most widely known for being an analgesic (pain-killer),anti inflammatory, anti-oxidant, and it also boosts immunity and fights cancer.   Pretty awesome huh?

I make up a batch a couple of nights ago after having some pretty bad back pain and I found it to be very helpful in relieving it.  The next day I felt great.  I made it before bed, golden milk also makes for a pretty good comfort drink.

I first found out about Golden Milk a while back from the video below.  Does anyone else notice the lady in the video has AWESOME skin?  Maybe golden milk is her secret 😉 The recipe featured in the video is handy because you can make a base which can be refrigerated and easily used for golden milk later.  (That way you don’t have to start from scratch each time you make it.)

Another recipe I like, (which I used earlier this week) tastes great and also adds the health benefits of ginger, cinnamon, honey and cardamom and coconut oil.  Here’s how you make it:

20150202_2040331/2 tsp turmeric
Pinch of Cinnamon
Pinch of Ginger
Pinch of Cardamom
Pinch of finely ground pepper.
1 Cup almond milk
1 tsp coconut oil
1 tsp raw honey.


20150202_204457Add all ingredients except the oil and honey into the saucepan and whisk or blend until well combined.  Do this while bringing the mixture to a low simmer or until the milk is around 110 degrees.

Next add the oil and honey, whisk until both are melted.  (You want to wait to add the oil and honey so the heat doesn’t destroy the good stuff they bring to the table.)  All that’s left is to remove from heat, pour into a cup and drink up!


Own The Moment


For something we consider small and fleeting, the moment is incredibly vital and important; it is in the moment that all things are dreamed and done.  It is in the moment that we find solace and comfort.  The moment holds inside of it great power and potential and when utilized, it can change your life.

Do you have a goal?  The moment can help you realize it.  Are you fighting an addiction?  Understanding the moment will help you overcome it.

Every destination requires steps toward getting there, moments hold the opportunities for us to take those steps and when utilized they help us in bridging the gap from where we are to where we want to be.

Finding our power is as simple as recognizing that every moment has value.  Do you have a thought about something you would like to do?  Don’t just think about it, own the moment and take action.  Alternatively, if we’re talking about overcoming a bad habit or addiction owning the moment will be of great assistance.  Change your focus in that moment to something else.   All of those focused moments add up and what seemed like an impossible task will soon be more attainable and realistic if you stick with it.

The key to owning the moment is action.  Action brings the possibilities out from the ethers and into reality, best not to kill time when it is our most valuable resource.

Relationships: Pedestals and Filters.

Relationships… When they’re going well they are the best, most precious moments of existence, filling you with all manner of awesome happy/fuzzy/warm and groovy feelings.

When they are going badly it can feel like your living in your own personal hell and you might feel the urge to bang your head against the wall in frustration until you pass out from the pain.  😛

I believe that anyone who says they never have any problems in their relationships (romantic or otherwise) is probably fooling themselves.  Anyone who believes a relationship will be or should be perfect 100% of the time is also fooling themselves and possibly creating a lot of extra pain and angst in the process.

I can say this with confidence because I’ve tried to fool myself about these things in the past and suffered needlessly because of  it.  Why would I make the silly assumption that a relationship will be “perfect”?

I think it happens because when we meet someone at first we are seeing the “ideal” version of that person.  The person will be presenting themselves through a filter with the hopes to impress, and you’ll be seeing them through a filter of your own creation that reflects your hopes and dreams for the future your “ideal” version of that person.   Everyone’s filters are different and so you can imagine how that can turn out. 😛

Not only do we have these filters, there are also pedestals!

We raise the person to god-like status and feel that he/she can do no wrong and allow them to become the center of our universe at times.  We live, sleep, eat, drink, breathe, and die for this person, we place them upon a pedestal of impossible heights.   With impossible heights come impossible falls.

These habits are dangerous.

When those filters and pedestals inevitably give way to reality we often find that the person of our focus comes crashing down off the pedestal and the landing violently shatters our illusions about them.

If it doesn’t destroy the relationship, it can really strain it further down the road because we are still nursing our old “wounds” caused from the shrapnel of exploding pedestals and flaming filters and…stuff.

The phrase “the bigger they are the harder they fall” comes to mind.  The pain and disappointment from our shattered illusions can be difficult to overcome because we make those illusions so vast and consuming.   I’ve done this in my own life.  In fact, my relationship with my husband is my inspiration for this blog post today.

You might think idealizing and idolizing someone and seeing them only in the most positive light at all times is a good thing.  In some ways yes (which I’ll get to in a second) but, more often than not, we aren’t doing it right, or for the right reasons.

We idealize the objects of our attention so much that we forget they are flesh and blood people capable of making mistakes, susceptible to miss-communication, going through the same human experience and all the pitfalls and occasional bullshit that can come along with it.

We place unrealistic expectations on people because we expect them to behave like this ideal version of themselves.  It’s funny, because this idealized version of the person we are dealing with is a creation of our own mind.  It’s actually a little arrogant.  Who am I to tell you what the ideal version of you should be?

These habits aren’t doing them or us any favors, because every little deviation from that ideal picture we paint in our heads only leads to pain, often for both people involved.  How can we avoid this pain?

A more healthy way to view relationships (which I’m learning) is to recognize the inherent divinity within the other person without the use of pedestals or filters.  See that person for who and what they truly are, not who and what you expect them to be, know there is light inside, and don’t blame them for the darkness that might obscure it.

I think you do this by coming to the understanding that there exists a part of that person who is divine, ideal and pure.  However, that person is still living in the fallible  3D world, complete with his or her own learning experiences and evolution.  This crazy 3D mix we’re living in can cause a lot of confusion, most people don’t really mean any harm, they can’t always see the variables, the consequences of their actions.

Is it really necessary to meet pain with pain?

I love ideals and idealism, if we want to nurture that divine essence we should focus on the positives in our relationships, make an honest attempt to understand the other perspective and communicate in a way that is clear and understandable.  It’s easiest to do that when we’re not passing judgement on each other, when we’re coming from a space of love and acceptance.

Relationships can become closer and more meaningful because you will be able to recognize the other persons humanity, you’ll be able to feel more compassion for the other person’s perspective because you won’t be looking at them through a distorted lens.

Remove the filter and the pedestal and you can start to clearly communicate with each other and grow in the process.    You’ll see eye to eye, and your words will be un-muffled.

I have a feeling if more people did this (myself included lol) the world would be a vastly different place…









Honesty and The Story

I ask for honesty, but do I give it away freely, to myself and others as well?

I just went through a certain thought process this morning that has me pondering this question.

You see, when I woke up today, I wasn’t in the greatest mood.  Groggy, I literally spent the whole day and much of the night before working on a project, I put a lot of time and effort into it and was really looking forward to getting some feedback on it.  I wanted to know that everything was OK and acceptable and that I did a good job on it, that it was what they were looking for.

When I finally submitted my project, it was almost two in the morning and I’d been working on it non-stop since I woke up.  I was a bit disappointed when I found out no one would be looking at it until the next day.  Then again, it was nearly 2 in the morning, so that wasn’t very surprising.  I didn’t hold it against them.

What got me bummed out was waking up today to find I still hadn’t received a response.  I’m normally pretty nocturnal, so for me morning means like 10 or 11.  (At the earliest)

So, I look at the clock and I still haven’t received any feedback and this got my mind turning in an unfortunate direction.  It started crafting this story about how much I suck and they probably hate it and don’t know how to tell me.

Then it became, “Why won’t they tell me???”

“”They must not like it?  What’s wrong with it?   Is it really that bad?!?

“Am I that hard to talk to?”  “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrch!!”

I started to feel like Tweak from Southpark; stressed out and my eye was twitching…










My mind was spiraling into an abyss of self loathing and pity and all this muckety, muck nasty stuff.
Then I remembered something.

This is a just story I’m creating, that’s it.  I can re-write it.

I decided there’s probably a much better way to tell this story and it doesn’t have to involve me spiraling to an abyss of self-hatred and fear, curled up in the fetal position on the floor.  (I made that last part up for funnies.  Ha ha. )  😛

I decided to write “my story” in another way.

When I woke up it was 11AM, there’s a 2 hour time difference for us, they might not even be awake!

I know they are really, really freaking busy right now and they work very long hours to get all this stuff done.

Not only do they have me bugging them, but a whole bunch of other people too.

I’m sure there are other projects which are much more urgent and require their attention.  So, they simply may not have had a chance to look at mine, because they are busy with other things.

Let’s say hypothetically that my original “assumptions” were correct and they really don’t like what I’ve written.   If that’s the case I’ll find out eventually and then I’ll have the opportunity to ask why that is and learn from the experience.

It wouldn’t mean the world is going to come crashing down around me and I suck so hard my head is going to implode; it just means I have more room to grow.

This is where I want to bring it back around to the original question at the beginning of this post, which was, “I ask for honesty, but do I give it away freely, to myself and others as well?”

This question was inspired when I was writing a (somewhat negative) blog post inspired by my feelings this morning.   It was about honesty and telling people if you have an issue with them, instead of sugar coating things.

As I read it over I realized two things.
1)That blog was coming from a very negative space.  That’s when I realized I needed to calm down and re-write the story.

2)That I was being a total fucking hypocrite.  I wasn’t being honest, either with them, or with myself.  I didn’t even realize it at first, but it all became quite clear to me as I started to ponder the idea.

I never told them that I really, really wanted someone to look at it.  I didn’t tell them that I have this subconscious self-worth thing that makes me kinda freak out when I’m waiting to hear back on stuff I’ve been working on.  I didn’t really give them details on the massive amount of time I had put into it.   I didn’t say any of these things because I didn’t want them to think I was one of those needy people who has to have validation from others to feel worth while.

And then it hit me that I was deceiving myself too.

Maybe I am *a little bit* needy. 😛

Perhaps I do require some validation from other people, feedback so I know what’s expected of me.

I think in healthy doses seeking validation can be a good thing.  It can inspire people to give their very best, it can be a great motivator for achieving big things.  It can enhance communication.

When does the need for validation cross over into unhealthy territory and how can we prevent that?

I get needy sometimes because I don’t always trust myself like I should  Sometimes this causes me to create crazy scenarios and stories in my head like the ones I told you a little bit ago.  The only thing it really gets done is making me all stressed out and eye twitchy.

Re-writing the story helps me recognize that is happening, it helps to keep my mind from spiraling into self defeating thought patterns by “providing different plot lines” I can focus on.  This saves  me from stress and the old,  “Arrgh!!!  Too much pressure!”.

The whole experience has given me some extra food for thought, and I figured I’d share it with you.

Happy Monday!

P.S.  I was finishing up this post when I finally got some feedback on my project; we need to make a couple little tweaks but otherwise, they love it!    It’s all about the story. 😀

We’re not doomed. :)

I was talking with someone recently and it really struck me how vast the problems of the world can seem.  In many ways, it can feel like our doom is unavoidable and would take a miracle to stop this destruction.  It should come as no surprise that people feel apathetic…

I used to feel apathetic too.  Apathy is dangerous because it’s essentially giving up hope.  It’s a hard grey existence.  I have strong suspicions that this sense of apathy is nurtured by big business and industry.  Sick and unhappy people make good consumers.

I think a healthy sense of indignation and paranoia isn’t a bad thing to have in this world we’re living in.  Especially when it comes to ads!

We live in an environment where there are suggestions constantly tugging at our awareness.  It’s pretty much unavoidable.  You can maybe close your eyes and go “La la la la laaaaaaa”, but that isn’t going to help you when you’re driving and that billboard suddenly pops into view.  It’s good to be mindful of this stuff and take inventory of what is renting space in your head.

What are you filling your mind, body and soul with?

I make it a point to keep positive things in my awareness.  Little bits of light that keep me from loosing faith in humanity and feed my sense of inspiration and wonder.  Those bits add up and before you know it you’re looking at the world in a whole new light where nothing seems impossible.

God I love the internet, it’s great for that!

Please keep in mind, I’m not trying to preach that new age “ignore everything bad” philosophy, I think that’s pointless!  Awareness is important, we need to be aware of our problems.   More importantly, we need to be aware of our problems, and focused on the solutions within them.

I think one thing the mainstream media excels at,  is keeping people in the dark, especially when it comes to inspiring news stories and scientific breakthroughs.  Part of what inspired this post was the massive amount of articles that come through my Facebook feed which tell a much different story.

I thought it would be cool to put them all together here so you can see some of this stuff all at once.

Why not bombard yourself with positive inspiring news for a change?

Let some real life Star Trek into your awareness!  😛

These articles and others tell me that we’re not doomed, we can change things.

We can take the reins on our lives and our futures and we’re fundamentally a part of something so much greater than this little gray illusion they’ve been trying to sell us.

See for yourself. 🙂

Little steps toward the “Big Picture”

We all have goals, some of them are small, personal goals like, “I want to lose that last ten lbs!”  Other’s are huge goals like,”By God! I’m going to save the world!”  Whatever goal or dream it is you have, don’t give up!  Even if it’s something that seems over-the-top and impossible remember, we do many things every day that we once considered impossible and now we don’t even give them a second thought.

The trick is to be consistent, even if you do something that seems ridiculously small, keep doing it; over and over again.  Keep doing the things that make you feel better, the things that make the world better.  Eventually those things will become habits, a part of your routine that feels like second nature.  Eventually you will identify with it and become it.

Just be consistent with whatever it is you’re doing, don’t let apathy or depression suck you back into that blue funk of doom.  When you’re feeling down, unmotivated, tired or shitty, just remember how much better you feel after you have achieved something that betters your life, or does something good for the planet or somebody on it.  I can tell you from personal experience, it helps.  I didn’t always feel that way.

Consistency is a word that, to be honest, used to make me cringe over the years.  I would hear the word and think to myself, “What?  Consistency?  How tedious and boring!”   What a bleak future I would associate with consistency, doing the same thing every day, schedules and no room for adventure or freedom, yuck…   Now days, my view has changed considerably.

I’ve noticed I’m coming to find more peace in consistency, I’m learning to understand it better, to see it for the helpful tool that it really is. When it came to changing things about my life, I never really allowed myself to consider the idea that it might take some time, that I needed to take baby steps, that I might fall, and I just need to pick myself back up.  Or to put it another way, I had this confused notion in my head that consistency had to also be perfection at all times.  While that’s a noble goal, it isn’t always realistic.

In my mind if I failed once, it was all over and I should probably just give up and go jump off a bridge or something.  The amount of self loathing I would feel if I didn’t get something perfect was debilitating.  My biggest problem was that I wouldn’t even give myself a chance to be consistent.

I’ve come to realize that attitude is self-defeating, unrealistic and doesn’t really give you room to grow.  If you want to change yourself or the world, start out with small things that are easy to do consistently.  Don’t beat yourself up that you haven’t fixed all the worlds problems yet, or become a millionaire or lost 300 lbs or whatever it is that has got you hating yourself at the moment.

You might not get there immediately, and you might take a few tumbles on the way but eventually you’ll find you not only reached your destination, you passed it and are conquering even greater challenges and adventures.