So… last night as I mentioned (if you read my short sleep deprived last post) I published a bunch of posts that had been sitting on my page as drafts. They were written in October of 2016… and some of them are pretty angry.
I censored myself… I’m not going to let that happen again… no more stuffing my feelings and thoughts into the abyss going thinking they’ll go away. No more. I was angry when I wrote those… but I was also afraid of what people would think…
I’ve decided that keeping quiet out of fear is unhelpful at best and at the worst…I can think of many worst case scenarios.
The last few years of my life have been a rough ride. They’ve taken everything I thought I knew about life, people and myself and turned it all upside down… Shook me a bunch of times like an old purse with a bunch of shit falling out.
Luckily, thankfully, things are getting better. Found some cool stuff in there. Life is still full of challenges, that’s life, but they’re becoming easier to navigate. I still belive it’s not wise to dwell on negatives, manifest the best and all; however ignoring them has gotten me into so much trouble over the years…
I have to honor that and show up for myself. No, fluffy Polly Anna isn’t always appropriate. Sometimes we need that no-bullshit cantankerous crone energy to protect ourselves and others. Discernment… The crone is a wise one she sees, she knows, does what needs to be done.
She’s honest, brutally so. While it might be uncomfortable. I’d rather have honesty that a sugar coated steaming heap of bullshit in a pretty box.
I’ve had some mentaurs who have shown me the value of being real. They’ve shown me there’s strength in vulnerability, admitting when you’re fucked up in the head instead of pretending everything’s ok. Can’t change what you can’t accept…
It’s also ok to rejoice in your blessings, your happiness and joy and share that shit. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’ve kept some wonderful beautiful things to myself because of (once again) fear. Fear I might be deemed unworthy or the object of another person’s jealousy. Who cares what people think of me?
I’m done hiding. I’ll start confiding with confidence this path I’m walking, this journey, these steps are mine.