Relationships… When they’re going well they are the best, most precious moments of existence, filling you with all manner of awesome happy/fuzzy/warm and groovy feelings.
When they are going badly it can feel like your living in your own personal hell and you might feel the urge to bang your head against the wall in frustration until you pass out from the pain. 😛
I believe that anyone who says they never have any problems in their relationships (romantic or otherwise) is probably fooling themselves. Anyone who believes a relationship will be or should be perfect 100% of the time is also fooling themselves and possibly creating a lot of extra pain and angst in the process.
I can say this with confidence because I’ve tried to fool myself about these things in the past and suffered needlessly because of it. Why would I make the silly assumption that a relationship will be “perfect”?
I think it happens because when we meet someone at first we are seeing the “ideal” version of that person. The person will be presenting themselves through a filter with the hopes to impress, and you’ll be seeing them through a filter of your own creation that reflects your hopes and dreams for the future your “ideal” version of that person. Everyone’s filters are different and so you can imagine how that can turn out. 😛
Not only do we have these filters, there are also pedestals!
We raise the person to god-like status and feel that he/she can do no wrong and allow them to become the center of our universe at times. We live, sleep, eat, drink, breathe, and die for this person, we place them upon a pedestal of impossible heights. With impossible heights come impossible falls.
These habits are dangerous.
When those filters and pedestals inevitably give way to reality we often find that the person of our focus comes crashing down off the pedestal and the landing violently shatters our illusions about them.
If it doesn’t destroy the relationship, it can really strain it further down the road because we are still nursing our old “wounds” caused from the shrapnel of exploding pedestals and flaming filters and…stuff.
The phrase “the bigger they are the harder they fall” comes to mind. The pain and disappointment from our shattered illusions can be difficult to overcome because we make those illusions so vast and consuming. I’ve done this in my own life. In fact, my relationship with my husband is my inspiration for this blog post today.
You might think idealizing and idolizing someone and seeing them only in the most positive light at all times is a good thing. In some ways yes (which I’ll get to in a second) but, more often than not, we aren’t doing it right, or for the right reasons.
We idealize the objects of our attention so much that we forget they are flesh and blood people capable of making mistakes, susceptible to miss-communication, going through the same human experience and all the pitfalls and occasional bullshit that can come along with it.
We place unrealistic expectations on people because we expect them to behave like this ideal version of themselves. It’s funny, because this idealized version of the person we are dealing with is a creation of our own mind. It’s actually a little arrogant. Who am I to tell you what the ideal version of you should be?
These habits aren’t doing them or us any favors, because every little deviation from that ideal picture we paint in our heads only leads to pain, often for both people involved. How can we avoid this pain?
A more healthy way to view relationships (which I’m learning) is to recognize the inherent divinity within the other person without the use of pedestals or filters. See that person for who and what they truly are, not who and what you expect them to be, know there is light inside, and don’t blame them for the darkness that might obscure it.
I think you do this by coming to the understanding that there exists a part of that person who is divine, ideal and pure. However, that person is still living in the fallible 3D world, complete with his or her own learning experiences and evolution. This crazy 3D mix we’re living in can cause a lot of confusion, most people don’t really mean any harm, they can’t always see the variables, the consequences of their actions.
Is it really necessary to meet pain with pain?
I love ideals and idealism, if we want to nurture that divine essence we should focus on the positives in our relationships, make an honest attempt to understand the other perspective and communicate in a way that is clear and understandable. It’s easiest to do that when we’re not passing judgement on each other, when we’re coming from a space of love and acceptance.
Relationships can become closer and more meaningful because you will be able to recognize the other persons humanity, you’ll be able to feel more compassion for the other person’s perspective because you won’t be looking at them through a distorted lens.
Remove the filter and the pedestal and you can start to clearly communicate with each other and grow in the process. You’ll see eye to eye, and your words will be un-muffled.
I have a feeling if more people did this (myself included lol) the world would be a vastly different place…