Social awkwardness.

Today I participated Panic to Freedom community call,  it was my first time actually being on the call, until now I’ve just listened to them live.  It was an eye-opening experience for me, we talked about a lot of things many of them relevant to my own life, there’s one thing in particular I would like to write about in this post.  I remembered something about myself today.  Being on camera scares the ever-loving shit out of me, and so does meeting new people!  😀  That’s ok.

Social anxiety is something I’m working on and it’s not as bad as it used to be, though it still creeps up with little insecurities and worries from time to time.   I have a certain anxiousness when it comes to crowds, and talking with people I don’t know very well.  I’ve been working on expressing myself through writing and that has helped a great deal.

However, in person or on camera I still find myself sometimes a bit awkward at first.  It takes me some time to build up the confidence to speak without fumbling over my words.  Sometimes things just don’t come out quite how I would like them to.  Add to that, with new people one issue for me is that I’m afraid I’m missing some kind of social cue and making a fool of myself.  I think at some point you just gotta breathe and say “Fuck it” and jump in, things get easier with time and practice.

I realize much of my fear and anxiety is made up in my head, and even if the things aren’t in my head, is that really so bad?   People might have a thought or observation about one of my quirks for a millisecond (if they do at all), then they move on.  Most likely, the only one dwelling on whether or not I sound like an idiot is me.

People aren’t as cruel as my anxious subconscious would like me to think.  So I might fumble on a word, but that doesn’t mean the person I’m talking to is going to hate me forever because of it.  Even if worst case scenario is true, that’s ok too.  If people think I suck and want nothing to do with me,  I’m probably better off without them in my life!  It’s good to remember though, usually worst case scenario isn’t the most likely scenario.

Something pretty synchronous happened today during the call.  I was pretty nervous and perhaps focusing on my fears a little too much, and I got to see the law of attraction in blatant action.

I was feeling some pretty strong anxiety about communicating with a bunch of new people and the whole internet being able to see what I was saying, and I probably let that get to me a little too much.  I tried my best to “keep it together keep it together keepittogether!!!”  (Props to anyone who can figure out that reference there, one of my favorites, makes me laugh every time.)   

Anyway, my focus wasn’t the greatest and the Law of attraction showed itself as a universal 2×4 across the head to teach me a lesson.  I was worrying about if I was communicating effectively and smoothly, and sure as shit, wouldn’t it just figure that my phone starts acting screwy?  Like attracts like they say.

It started out at first with the phone vibrating every time I got a notification.  At first I didn’t realize what was happening.  They had to mute my line because of all the racket.  I could not for the life of me figure out how to get it to stop.  I had the vibrate setting turned off on my phone, but that didn’t seem to matter.   I disconnected from the call to figure out what was going on with my phone and could feel my embarrassment growing.

I tried to join in the call again later after changing a setting on the hangout.  I’m not sure if it helped because my phone started freaking out again!  Shortly after I re-joined the call, my screen froze and I had to power cycle the finicky bastard.  (That’s been happening a lot lately, I’m due for an upgrade I think!) At that point I was exasperated and I decided I needed to take a little break and calm down and breathe.   It served as a lesson.

I mean, is it really necessary to freak out and worry that everyone is judging you when you are joining on a community call that is all about self-help and moving away from that panic, isn’t that what it’s for in the first place?

What’s even funnier is that the Law of Attraction actually got brought up in the call, and here it was manifesting itself for me in no uncertain terms.  I have to laugh at the whole thing now, because it’s freaking hilarious, I’m pretty sure god has quite the sense of humor.

I’ve decided it’s time to invest in a web-cam, less technical difficulties will probably go a long way toward easing some of my anxiety.  I’m going to keep participating in the panic to freedom community calls because I believe it will get easier with time.  These video calls are still fairly new to me and I know myself well enough to recognize that the fear of new stuff fades with time, and it gets easier with practice.  All in all I did have fun with it today, and I look forward to doing it again.

Tomorrow’s post will be about the actual topic of the community call, I think that deserves its own post.  The subject was finding freedom in work, how do we do that, what does that mean.  I would like to share some of my thoughts on the subject and expand upon some of the things that were brought up in the call.

Thanks for reading!  Namaste. 🙂


3 thoughts on “Social awkwardness.

    1. It’s that darned hamster in the mind, running on the squeaky wheel of insecurity. *shrug* Get’s better with time, but in the moment it can kinda suck. Thanks for commenting!

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